FEAR OF CHANGE


We are normally surprised at how we dread an event as much as we look forward to it!

While we know that important benefits would follow any well thought through decision, the thought of taking any new steps frightens anybody. We fear that we didn’t deserve the honour and wouldn’t be able to handle the increased sense of significance any new position would bring.

Yet once we have started and the formalities past--once there was no easy turning back--we suddenly felt at home with our new status. There are a multitude of fears we may experience when making a major personal change.

We can fear success as much as failure, and--in relationships--commitment as much as rejection. So often, though, the heart of the problem is simply that we don’t like change. When we look carefully at what frightens us, we find it is the fear of change that is holding us back.

By taking on a new position it means letting go of a comfortable old identity for an uncertain new one. And it meant growing up a bit, opening myself to new responsibilities - and that was scary!

Let’s face it. Change of any sort--whether modest or major-- can be unnerving.

Journalist Ellen Goodman notes:

“We cling to even the minor routines with an odd tenacity. We’re upset when the waitress who usually brings us coffee in the breakfast shop near the office suddenly quits, and are disoriented if the drugstore or the cleaners in the neighbourhood closes. We each have a serious of holiday rituals and everyday habits that we hold on to, and we often greet radical innovation with the enthusiasm of a baby meeting a new sitter.”

Surprised by Mixed Emotions

Of course we find unwelcome change unsettling. But this can be just as true when the change is one we strongly desire to make. That is to say, we can long for the change on one level yet fear it on another. Such ambivalence when making a major change is extremely common, although many people are surprised when they experience it.

As experience demonstrates, though, the fears we experience in the face of a major change are often deceptive. They are aggravated by our knowing that we still have the freedom to change our mind. Once we take the step and are no longer free to renege, they usually vanish. We go through this identical process in other changes as well. Taking a decisive step is usually necessary to put our fears to rest.

Misunderstandings About Perfect Peace

Complicating the matter for many, though, is an unfortunate notion about peace. Many assume that you’ll experience perfect peace. This is usually thought to mean that no fears or doubts will intrude. If you have any misgivings at all, it is a warning you should not go ahead. While we expect that we will be at peace when making the right decision, it never guarantees that we will feel peaceful as we begin to take a step forward. This doesn’t overrule our psyche. The peace we expect, rather, enables us to transcend our fears--to move ahead in spite of many hesitations. We may, in short, feel a mixture of peace and fear at the same time, especially in the early stages of making a major change. Many of us, too, are so constituted psychologically that we simply cannot feel peaceful in advance of a major step but only afterward. Taking the step is vital to experiencing peace.

Taking Control

Perhaps you are considering a major change. It may be a career move or a new educational pursuit. Or a step forward in a relationship--or the breaking-off of one. You may have approached this decision carefully and have good reason to believe that you need to go ahead. At the same time, you are dogged with doubts and fears and a general uneasiness about making any change at all.

If so, let me suggest five points of perspective to keep in mind:

1. Second thoughts are normal:

No matter how mature you are and how diligently you have weighed up every consequence, it is still common to have second thoughts about your decision. Yes, you may look with envy on friends who make career changes with surreal assurance that they are making the right decision. Remember, though, that you are constructed differently psychologically than they are. You may even be a deeper thinker.

2. Take time to mourn what you are leaving behind:

No matter how greatly you desire to make this change, you are still letting go of certain cherished benefits in order to do it. The person eager for a career change, for instance, is relinquishing the treasured comforts of knowing the current company well and is forsaking the possibility of another position in the near future. Even when the change brings unquestioned improvements to your life, it’s still normal to feel grief over what you’re leaving behind. Don’t be ashamed to face up to this. Take time to feel your grief and work through it. But don’t let it hold you back from moving on.

3. Pray for strength and eagerness:

While prayer has many purposes in Scripture, one of the most essential is to gain courage when taking a major step of faith. Jesus gave us a vivid demonstration in Gethsemane. Through an hour or so of earnest prayer his outlook was transformed, and he gained the determination and confidence he needed to proceed with his mission. Give some dedicated time to praying about your decision. But don’t merely ask for guidance--ask for strength and eagerness to take the course that is best for you. Praying in this fashion can make a significant difference.

4. Take control of your psyche:

You have considerably more control than you probably realize over the mood swings that accompany a major personal change. The people, with whom you associate, for instance, affect your outlook dramatically. There may be those who, regardless of their intentions, find it difficult to feel positive about the change you want to make. Their own identity is tied to how you are now. For you to change means adjustments for them too--in their routine, in their pattern of relating to you, in how they see themselves. They may not do anything overtly to discourage you about moving ahead. Still, it’s difficult to be around them and not feel guilty for upsetting the equilibrium in their lives. You wonder if you should be making any change at all.

Others will be much more forward-looking in how they see you. They are able to think beyond their own narrow concerns and appreciate what you are doing in your life. They trust your judgment and share your excitement for taking on new adventures and risks. And they genuinely want to see you succeed. Don’t forsake those who find it hard to agree with you. But give priority to spending time with those who are able to think creatively about your life. Their perspective will be contagious. This suggests that we should consider it a point of stewardship to avoid too much contact with negative people. We benefit most by being with those who see us dynamically.

5. Accept the principle of tradeoffs:

The modern belief that we can “have it all” subtly affects our outlook. Challenging choices must be made to let go of one benefit in order to enjoy another. Once we accept this--and that perfection is never possible in our choices--it becomes easier to take steps forward. Change itself becomes less threatening.

We may not be able to overcome our fundamental uneasiness with change. Still, we don’t have to let our fears of change be the controlling factor in the decisions we make, or the final word in our life. There is much we can do to break the grip of these fears, and the outlooks we’re suggesting can help greatly.